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a passionate repentance

My Bumps

My Bumps

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may God stand
I am falling down the well, I can feel it.
Lassie's apparently still seeing that jerk, Timmy, so no hope from that quarter.

What do you do to stop things? It's like a rock rolling down hill, and gathering steam as it goes. You realize after a bit that it's going to crush you no matter how fast you run, but you have to try and it has to roll and things just do as they do. Keep your head down I suppose and try to minimize the damage.

Tired, that's got to be part of it. That and feeling like the last thing I want to do is the very thing I need to do. Get out and make new friends. That used to be the watch word around the house. Why don't you make new friends? That and why don't you play outside. Which was Parent for "God please go away for just a little while so that I can take a nap."

The depression could give sneak lessons to the troops in Iraq. I never once see it coming and since I live with it you'd think the odds were better than average. I'm not yet convinced that I'm Napoleon..right now I'm hovering between Quentin Crisp and the Archbishop of Canterbury. With occaisional bouts of thinking that everyone's talking about me behind my back and bouts of being terrified that people *aren't* talking about me at all, because I'm really not all that important.


Yeah, well.

I've deleted half a page because I sound like a whining idiot even to myself and that's saying something.

All right, you..you know who you are. I won't quit. But if I'm approached and asked to..well..then there you are.

Love given to all who want it, and a hefty splash of hot cocoa with raspberry liqueur in. No, I don't drink any more..alcohol costs more than I'm willing to pay for, but I can think about it.

I'm going to bed. Tomorrow this will all seem like yesterday. Maybe it's time for me to dig out the smellies and have yet another go at Smaragadine.
  • I pinged you on YIM -- I always welcome a visit.
  • ::hug::

    Imagine the voice of the rock as it rolls downhill, hurtling toward you. How do you think the rock feels?

    Exultant, I'd imagine. I've been stuck in one place for 350 million years and finally I'm going somewhere. Come with me! And the rock catches every little pebble along the way and liberates them too.

    That rock just thinks you're another rock. It thinks you've been in the same place for 350 million years, too. You haven't been - if it knew you were there for only thirty-some years, it'd probably be jealous - but for all it knows, it just wants you along for the party.

    A few lessons from rockslides, I think.
    1) Going along with the crowd is usually the most hurtful thing in the end.
    2) One person's liberation is another person's pain.
    3) It pays to keep your head up and your ears open.
    4) You usually don't have to have a whole new position to avoid danger. Two steps here or there is quite enough, and then see #3.

    Two steps, my dear - not seeking a whole new bunch of friends, not running and screaming down the hillside. A quiet sidestep, a chuckle, and a glance around the scenery and friends you've already found for yourself.

    That's all.
    • Exultant, I'd imagine. I've been stuck in one place for 350 million years and finally I'm going somewhere. Come with me! And the rock catches every little pebble along the way and liberates them too.

      Dude, you just described Katamari Damacy.*

      *A far more serious response to follow.
  • ~points up~ That's very good advice, that is.
  • *hugs* You ARE important. Never forget that.
  • How well I know that sneaky depression. Sly it is. Silent and entirely dastardly. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up one day and realize I've been under the cloud for years.

    Here's hoping you move soon from under your cloud, babe. Or that the cloud's miraculously break over you.

    Hang in there. After all, what other choice do you have? It will pass. It always does.

    Love, Jay
  • As promoised.

    Rain is right. We've all been here before. It sneaks up on our asses and the first thing we know we're under the cloud and we're not exactly sure how we got here and we're really pissed off that someone didn't, you know, shout a warning first.

    Some of the cloud is beyond immediate control, don't even hope you can grab hold of the whole thing, fold it up and pack it away.

    What you can do is stay in the moment. That's vital. Right here and right now may not be the best places to be but letting yourself get buried under the cloud and letting your mind range over yesterdays and tomorrows, what ifs and could it be is far worse.

    Be mindful of the thoughts going through your head. Journal them out. It's like forcing poison out of your system. It may not feel like it but it will help clear your head and allow you to get to a calm and thoughtful place that you can work from.

    Be patient with yourself. This is also important. Even more patient with yourself than normal.

    We love you, there are plenty of folks out there who love you and you will get through this.
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