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a passionate repentance

Warning! Rant! Danger! If you don't like rants, don't read it.

Warning! Rant! Danger! If you don't like rants, don't read it.

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may God stand

If I hear one more goddamn thing from ABC, CBS, or NBC about Terri Schiavo, I am going to bitchslap someone.

Damn it. The Bush regime is using that woman, and her family as a kind of one-tent freak show to keep the country entertained so that we don't take a good hard look at what he and his frat-boy posse are really doing. It's bread and circuses, served on a ventilator, with real live tame neurologists to serve on either side.

Look, I can't claim to understand how Mrs. Schiavo or Michael Schiavo feel about Terri. I just think the parents have lost sight of the fact that this isn't about them any more. They're hanging on to a woman who isn't *there* any more. My grandmother had a stroke. Okay she was ninety seven and she had lived a long life, but she could breath, and she could seemingly respond to voices. I don't know that she ever opened her eyes. But I do know that Grandma..the part of her that made her who she was, was gone. It went away before my mother found her on the floor in her bedroom. It was gone a long time before I made the decision to say "Okay, Grandma. I love you. And it's okay if you need to go now. I will be okay."

I do blame Bush for politicizing something so desperately personal. They won't let people show sex on television, but life and death? Hell yes! Let's fire up the legislature and have a special session so we can get a little more mileage. Let's not let anybody get a good look at Tom Delay or Tom Feeney or Karl Rove. Let's not ask anybody where some of that money went. Let's not talk about the war in Iraq that makes freedom fries out of healthy and whole people. Hell, no. Let's tart up the Schiavo case and drag it out a little more.

And people buy it. They *buy* it. Which makes me wonder if we really are as stupid as people have painted us to be or we're just so deluged by soundbites of information that passes through our consciousness undigested that we live in a perpetual state of baby-birdness. Feed me feed me, without thinking for an instant about what we're taking in. Without tasting it. Or even stopping to identify it.

In the meantime, I watch things I thought were forever disintegrate, like sugar dissolving in water, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop this. Work is slowly taking over my life. And I don't know how to pull back. I don't know how to bring it back to a place of peace. Or how to bridge the scars. Mine and his. I thought having faith would help. I think it's simply clarified where I've gone so wrong, and shown me some of the things I've done.

And I'm ashamed and afraid that it's far too late to start over. If I meet you online or in the street..no. I won't talk about this. I'd appreciate it if you didn't want to talk about it either. Just..thank you for letting me speak. I've got to solve it myself. I really need to, to know that there's at least *one* thing in this world I can do without someone to walk me through it. Maybe that's just really wrong headed. This is so important, and I'm so afraid of failing. No..afraid I already have. But if I don't try..I'll have given up forever on the belief that I am strong. And I'm not sure I will be able to live with what's left inside.
  • I haven't said it lately, but I want you to hear it: I love you and your soul and everything that makes you *you*.
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