Aries March 21st-April 19th: Aries, look out for surprises today. The person that you thought you could trust with your soul has probably pinched your last pair of clean knickers and is wearing them.
Taurus April 20th-May 20th. Today is a good day to stay in bed, and contemplate the universe, Taureans. Also to eat. I recommend anything that doesn't make crumbs.
Gemini May 21st-June 21st. You're of two minds today, Gemini, but when *aren't* you? Watch out for large falling objects today and make sure you take your medication.
Cancer June 22nd-July 22nd It's difficult to settle into your emotions today, Cancer, because your mind is racing uncontrollably. Next time you'll leave the espresso alone. Especially when combined with anticonvulsants. Wipe your chin.
Leo July 23rd-August 22nd. Someone else's emotional outburst will have an effect on your peace of mind, Leo. Until you take the gun away. Next time try to make sure the background check arrives before you propose.
Virgo August 23rd-September 22nd Surprises will come at you from many different directions today, at least until you find your glasses. Learn to duck.
Libra September 23rd-October 22nd Your routines have fallen by the wayside today and you're quite distracted. Enjoy it while it lasts, Librans..they're going to make you get dressed eventually. Keep moving, it'll help you stay warm.
Scorpio</l> October 23-November 22nd It's a breakthrough day for you Scorpians with excitement on your horizon, but let me warn you, catching those cars is nowhere near as fun as chasing them.
Sagittarius November 23rd-December 22nd You need to choose which way to go but this isn't going to be as easy as it sounds. Especially since you can't read the signs. Take someone you trust with you today, Sagittarius. But not a Libran. They're running on borrowed time. It's only a matter of minutes before the police show up and arrest them for streaking.
Capricorn December 23rd-January 22nd. Nature's optimists, you lot. It's a strange day for you Goats, and it could be unpleasant unless you give up control and stop resisting the arresting officer. Buck up, it could be worse. You could be Sagittarian.
Aquarius January 23-February 18th. Your finances could be the source of immediate trouble today. You either need to learn to spell "Reimbursement" properly or give up that promising career as a forger. Watch out for soccer players.
Pisces February 19-March 20th. Whatever self imposed rules have been keeping you from taking action, now it's time to move. It's better if you do it at around midnight, quietly, and don't alert the Post Office, or tell the milkman to stop delivering. To you it's a pair of knickers. To Aries, it might as well be the world.