Koinonia (koinonia) wrote,
Koinonia
koinonia

Mourning

Right now it's a lot like dancing at a wake.
You know that there are things you should be doing, and this is one of them. That I can't just walk away from a friendship of six years, but there's every indication that L doesn't feel the same tie. And then she does. I don't know. We spent..what, a couple of hours, just sitting. Not really talking. Not really doing much of anything, nothing. And she thanked me for keeping her company. And all I can think of is "You're crashing again. You're going to live in this half life, until the light falls and it's clear that you can't keep going on because you're the *needy* one."

So how do I tell genuine insight from the desire to kick myself in the ass?

I want to walk away, but the thought nags at me..what if this is just something she's going through, and she needs me?

Right. There's the voice that says 'It's all your fault' and 'Get the hell out of Dodge before this thing blows up in your face.'

And there's the other side that says "She didn't abandon you when you needed a friend. Are you going to leave her, when she might need you just because she's pulling away?"

Of course, no one mentions the third side that shouldn't be there, and is, the one that says "If you're a grown up why does all this hurt so much?" Right up there with "Shouldn't there be another option?"


Yeah.
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