And that's freaking sad. Because sometimes I want to yell "Get it freaking *over* with"! Choose! Say it, and get it said."
I freaking *hate* waiting for someone to decide "Hey, I don't like this, I don't want to do this any more." I want to leap up and say "Okay. I've decided. I'll decide for both of us, okay? Since you just can't seem to. We won't do X, any more. Or we will. Or we'll do it upside down and sideways, and that's fine. Just get ON with it."
The worst feeling in the world is realizing that someone you thought cared for you doesn't want to talk to you. That *that* sound in their voice means that yeah, you've joined the ranks of the great unwashed, and whatever you thought/feared/wondered has come to pass. It's like doing laundry and finding a packet of condoms in your husband's pocket, and thinking "What would he need *these* for?" Until you realize. And you feel so stupid.
There's no way around it. There's no graceful out that I can think of that will let us bow and agree to behave like civilized people, and instead, there's just going to be this..messy, redfaced, heartaching, *crying* going on. All on this end, because I have no idea what is going on on the other.
Maybe that's the way it always is with long distance things. You can't get beyond that feeling like you've been clocked with a big rock. You just have to wait, and hold your breath, and let it out slow, and wait, until the pain goes away, and you can bleed and cry and start living again.
Right now, it's seeing that rock coming, and knowing that it's not in your hands. Or you'd have done this all last week sometime, done it and moved on to where you listen to sad songs and cry a lot and don't sleep and pick at your hangnails until they bleed.
I don't think I'm really normal. Or that maybe I am and I'm admitting things no one wants to admit. That there's this part of me that just hurts now, hurts hard, and can't figure it out any more. I can choose to love someone or I can choose not to care for anyone but if I love them, I'm going to have to take my chances on the rock.
Nothing lasts for ever.
Not even this.
Please, please, please God. Just get me through this.