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a passionate repentance



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may God stand
You know, the other day I dreamed that terrorists in hot pink jackets were breaking into my house and threatening to kill people.

Pretty obvious parallels can be drawn here between terrorist images and dream images. Yours truly is overdosing on CNN and the Weather Channel. I am afraid for myself in my house, but I am even more afraid for the others who are in the direct path of this storm.

It's amazing how mind clearing a good honest to God emergency is. Suddenly nothing else is as important. Nothing matters so much as knowing whether or not your mom and dad and your sisters made it through the hurricane okay. You stop worrying about what your neighbors think of you, whether they think you're fat and you start worrying about that tree that's on their roof.

It's amazing what you can live without. I lived without air conditioning and without hot water and without electricity of any sort and I think I missed my fan and my reading light the most. That and I really wanted to have hot water to wash clothes and dishes in.

But I don't think that I see the value in doing without things just to be doing without them.

I mean..the surest way to conquer a desire is to satisfy it right? That way that chocolate is in your belly where it belongs and not constantly on your mind. Some things, yes I can see that having mad hot monkey sex on your desk with the cute guy in Accounting could be undesireable. For one thing, how the hell are you going to find anything on that desk after that? And secondly are you ever going to be able to file anything without smirking?

(I hate smirks). There are more ways to fulfil a desire than one, however. And surely an alternate way to fulfil that desire could be found. Even if it's just a pleasant daydream and a silly smile during your coffee break. Voila. Your mind is free to pursue enlightenment or world peace or whatever else it is that you are there on this earth to pursue.

You'd think this war would pull us together. Like Ivan, it's big, it's supposed to clear away all the unimportant crap and free us to think about the good stuff. The real stuff. Like..did you survive? Are you coming home? Are you okay?

But I don't know that this war *IS* the same. I don't think that it was forced. I think somewhere along the line a choice was made, and the rest of us had to either ride along or get off. So we're busy worrying about whether or not it's the right thing. Whether or not this means we're good guys or bad guys. It hasn't cleared out the lesser stuff, because it's not a real necessity. So giving up the things that necessities make you give up is a lot harder. It doesn't feel genuine.

Did my grandfather and grandmother feel this way during the World War? Did my dad feel this way when he went to serve in Vietnam? Does he worry that he didn't do the right thing?

Or did they feel that what they were doing is real? How do you know? When do you finally stop asking yourself and say "Okay, it was a had to be situation." Or do you go on until you die..asking?
  • Well, my dearest, if you want to know how your parents feel...maybe you can ask them!

    (ducks, runs and hides)
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