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a passionate repentance

You know when I was a kid, I used to think there'd be this free…

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may God stand
You know when I was a kid, I used to think there'd be this free period. Like the free spot on a bingo card. There'd be a time period where I could just..be. From day to day, without worrying about what I owed or what I had to do. A summer vacation from life.

And things would be okay for a while. If not fantastic. They'd carry me along and I could float for a bit. I wouldn't always be catching up.

You see, that's what I hated the most about my life, as a kid. I was always catching up. Stuff I didn't learn in first grade I had to learn along with the stuff in second grade and the stuff I didn't learn in second grade had to get learned in third along with what ever I didn't learn in third. It never ended.

So that's why I was in high school squinting at the classroom board and terrified to admit that I didn't KNOW anything about no algebra. I'd never had any.

How do you explain to someone who's never experienced it that there are times in your life that that your life *stops*. It can go forward yeah, but what they don't tell you is it can go backward too. You go into this timeless place where the world's reduced to hurting or not hurting, bored or not bored, sleeping or awake. It's a place that doesn't hold a lot of things, but the things that it does hold are huge.

And when you come through that place, you're stripped bare. you're blinking in the sunlight and feeling lost and unreal and scared. Nothing makes sense and nothing is real. You're in things but you're not part of them, you don't belong. That's because you haven't paid your debts to time. You have to go back. You have to learn again, how to do the simple stuff. How to eat. How to stand and how to get dressed and how to go to the bathroom without messing up your clothes. And you have to get through the mistakes and the times when you're so frustrated that it's scouring you bare.

Then you can pick up again. You can see where you were and go back, except..except time *moved* while you were in the nowhere place. You were standing still but it was moving past you, moving *faster.* So you're two years behind everyone else. When they're just six months ahead of you. You've got to find the connections again. You have to find that place in your head where you sit and make things come together, and the connections hold true. Otherwise everything you learn makes no sense. It has nothing to connect to.

But you can't ask them to slow down. They can't. That's not how it works. You just have to work faster and harder. You have to make the connections and hope that they're there, and if they're not there later, you have to make them again, make them fast and make them hard. You have to keep moving, because if you don't move you're dead, and you already move slow enough that the rest of the world steps over you.

But don't freak out entirely. There're things *in* there that you can't talk about because they're bad, yeah. BUt there are things in there that are good. You've *seen* things. You know that sand is all different kinds of colors. That it sparkles. That you can catch the sunlight on a piece of shell and it shines like the heart of fog. You know that dust swirls in a beam of sunlight move clockwise. That they sparkle too, and they split the light, in these subtle little ways, little edges of maroon and violet and red in the light, so light that if you blink you'll miss them.

You know that grass tastes like raw peas. And that you can bite up into a piece of grass, past the soft white part and it gets sourer and greener as you go, until it's just toughness and no taste, all the fibers moving on your tongue like tree sinew.

You know that rain tastes like dust and pepper, and that you can close your eyes and feel it seep under your eyelids to spread cool over your eyeballs. You can feel it moving in sometimes, before it falls, in this wave of cool, dusty smells. That sunlight shines through the grass and makes a light like peridot.

You know what sounds baby mockingbirds make when they want their mothers to come home. You can sit there and whistle and they'll whistle back, having an idiot conversation over and over.

I can only guess that to get one I had to get the other. And that if I didn't have one I probably wouldn't have the other. I can't say that I'd want to do without seeing. But I know I'd really like that summer vacation. I'd take a whole lot of time to just..*look* at the people I love.

Maybe that's what happens after you die?

Swiped from banazir, that bastion of all that is CLLO!!!

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