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a passionate repentance



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may God stand
I can't sleep.
I am so excited.
I got the job.

And now I can't sleep.
Hopefully everything will be okay. Because the earliest I can start is Friday. That's in two days. I am walking on eggshells, but I'm also flying. Thank you thank you to everyone who sent me good thoughts and worried about me and were so kind that sometimes I just cried. Thank you. Because I hope everything is going to be okay, now.

Well, if not 'okay' at least better. As in..feeling productive, making some money. Working.

I'm amazed at how *powerful* joyfulness is. How it is just as strong as sorrow or rage or grief, and yet nobody prepares you or counsels you for joy. Nobody tells you that you're going to be grinning until your face hurts, and you won't want to sleep.

I feel as if pushing myself is so *slow*. I want to run and run and run until I can't run any more. I want to swim for miles. I want to fly.

I have this dream, it's kind of based on the "Empire Strikes Back." Well, maybe two seconds of TESB. The part where the Rebel plane is skimming the waves of the sea on Hoth, and you're *in* the plane. It's all shining silvery water, and this crystalline sky, the wind roaring past you as you go. I would love to fly..be a falcon, and dip and swoop and dive. That, though..that's what this is like. Hurtling faster and faster toward an incredible light that neither hurts nor dazzles.

Ah, hyperbole, thy name is Nikki. And that's true of course. I'm working on evening out some of these extremes of emotion. I don't know though, how much of this is learned behaviour (I come from some very phlegmatic parents, I really do) or inherited. I don't even know how much I really *want* to let go of it..while the lows are awful the highs are..


Okay. Good point. The highs are just as off the scale weird and uncomfortable as the lows, just in a different direction.

Deep breath.

I'm still happy, though.
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