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a passionate repentance

Faith and Allegiance

Faith and Allegiance

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may God stand
I wear a heart made of amber with a silver leaf bail. My husband bought it for me a couple of years ago, and it spent most of it's time on my altar, until recently. I took it from the altar a couple of days ago, and polished the silver and put it on a chain. And it's been there since then. If I try to put something else on, I always end up taking it off, and putting that back on.

I found myself looking for a replacement for my valknutr, because it got slightly bent. Of course my mind went back to Ken, and when he gave it to me, and my initiation, and our friendshipp and saying goodbye and what came after that.

Symbols are symbols. They're not the thing itself. I know this, and yet there's a little sneaky part of me that's a little superstitious. Don't step on a crack, don't walk under a ladder..though I like black cats and I used to own one, and I miss him still. The symbol isn't the faith it symbolizes. And the God I see, and pay respects to is no more nor less than the God someone else pays respects to. And yet, I fussily pick over this and that and worry over the look of this or think about that and what it means and have I chosen well and did I do the right thing. The symbol is a ladder, a twining rope that leads from thing to thing, and I can't disconnect any one thing from the rope.

"From a word, to a word, let me be led to a word. From a deed to a deed." I keep thinking that if I could *envision* God, I'd be a lot less twitchy around Him. If I could just nail down that this is my vision, this is the authentic path of 'Me' then I wouldn't be chasing after every new thing trying to figure out the real thing, the right one.
And truth be told..the information that's coming out is good. It's strong and it's genuine and it feels right, even if I don't always understand *why* it feels right. Part of me, no matter how right I feel keeps wanting to stop everything and go back to the way things were just because that's the way things were and it's a lot less uncertain than this.

I know I'm not making a lot of sense. Partly because I can't put in the pieces until I understand how they are supposed to go. And secondly because frankly you've got to read this stuff all day..why read one more turgid page? So to spare your sensibilities and to keep from having to actually analyze what I want out of God and how I intend to do something about talking to Him about it, I'll just talk in circles until I get dizzy and have to lie down.

In simplest terms: How can I worship that which I do not truly understand? How can I comprehend someone that is basically uncomprehendable by human brains. And on the other hand, how can I *not* give respect and awed attention to something so complex, and beautiful and majestic and vast?

Do I even really *want* a God I could understand? After all, wouldn't that be essentially making him me?

And how right is it, on the other hand, to be studying God, like studying a book you cannot read? After a while puzzling over phrases and looking at the pages gets real old.

I don't know if anyone else has asked this question before. But I'll betcha they didn't have an answer either.
  • I guess because for me there'd be a "God shaped hole" in my life without one. It's part of how I was raised, it's been part of my life always. I can't speak for anyone else.
    The world IS worthy of respect. It's beautiful and complex and tragic and funny. But I don't seperate God from this world. A Sufi said that God is always entering and leaving his creation. And I believe that, with every breath of air that any living thing takes.
    • I want to say 'me too' to your reply. I couldn't have said it better for myself. Countless people before you and I asked the questions you asked; some perhaps found answers for themselves, answers that satisfied their questions.

      My philosophy professor tossed out a phrase once that aptly described my spiritual life: faith *seeking* understanding: have faith while studying it, the object of it (God), and the world, to better understand my faith and its object and the world, to make more robust my understanding (such that it is).

      The question of God is not an easy one, but it needn't be a painful one.
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