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a passionate repentance



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may God stand
This morning a good friend of mine and I were discussing our regrets. This is not a conversation that we should have gotten into at the ungodly hour of the antemeridian that we did. I said some things I regretted, mostly opportunities that I'd squandered, and some silly things. You know..not kissing a movie star when I had the chance. Or not going out for synchronized swimming. (I can't swim.)
And then she brought up the subject of lost loves. Oh, damn. Oh, man. How she could have chosen someone else, and her life would have been different.

I remember. I remember.

I remember people I didn't know if I loved, but I wanted to be around and I liked them. I was sexually attracted to them. And I didn't know the difference.

I remember the one person I *did* fall in love with, hard, but only after we'd already broken up. And he refused to get back together. Which was probably best for him, but oh, *man* I just couldn't breathe. I just wanted to leave my body and come back when it was all over.

I remember the people who I thought loved me, who were drawn to me and I to them, but it wasn't the same thing, it was something more..feverish. Spiked with a big damn dose of 'let's pretend'. Obsession, maybe. There were aspects of my personality that I didn't want to admit to, and that I couldn't ignore.

I remember the one time I almost got kissed, or I thought I was going to be kissed ..in high school. I had a huge crush. And they noticed me, they were more than kind. Thank you, and you know who you are. I'd never felt so beautiful as in that moment.

I thought..I was going to talk about all the avenues I might have taken. And how regrets just eat you up. Or speculate where I might have gone. My life is very far from perfect. But I can't do that. For whatever reason, it didn't take that path. I didn't choose that path, kiss that person, marry this man. I was born with cerebral palsy and I'll never know what it might be like to live life without it. So maybe the point is to not concentrate on what might have been, but what might be. It sounds really simplistic, and kind of fluffy, pop psychology. But if life is made up of moments, then..I can do that for this moment. That's all I have to do.
  • The beauty of free will is choice--being able to participate in the creation of moments in our lives. It's hard sometimes, when we have to make a hard decision, or when all decisions seem fraught with evil.

    But I would rather have choices and pain than no choices and blissful ignorance.
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