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a passionate repentance



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may God stand
It is one of those situations where I have the urge to write, and then I usually go and find a place to lie down until the urge goes away.
This time, however, I'm not hiding from fiction (which no one but me criticizes) but from truth. Muhasibi. How do I discover what I value? Do I actually act on those values or are they merely lip service to an ideal.

So..what do I value? What the hell? What do I *like*? Maybe I can answer that.

I like things that are real. I like real wood and real stone, and real string, and real cheese. I don't like things that you think are real, like that pressed-together reconstituted amber that passes for amber. If I want to buy amber, I will buy the *good* stuff, and leave it at that. If it's expensive, that's okay. I can wait.

I like to be hugged. I like hugging and kissing, and I like to feel like it's okay to touch people, like patting their arms when we talk, or touching their hands. I want sometimes to touch Mike when we talk but I feel like he doesn't enjoy it.

I like affection. I like feeling like I can love the people I am with, and I like knowing that I am loved. That I can do or say whatever it is that I have to say and I'm still going to be accepted for it. That the people I care for can speak their minds and I will still love them, even if I don't agree with it. I don't like it when people correct you in ways that make you feel stupid. I don't like to feel as if I should have studied up before I got home.

I like beautiful things. I like seeing beauty in places you wouldn't ordinarily think to see it. Yes, I believe in beauty in majestic mountains and all that. I believe in beauty in mud puddles and sunlight in the grass, and little kids running and screaming and playing like birds.

I believe in passion and devotion. I am afraid of passion but I believe in it. I yearn for it. I want to be part of something so big, so huge that I can disappear into it. I want to devote myself to someone so totally that I can love them with my eyes closed, I can remember every detail, every word, I can serve them, and feel like, even if they are far away, by serving them I am close to them too.

I believe in chivalry. I don't always know what that means, though. I think it means more than politeness, more even than being obliging. I think it has a lot to do with the way you see the world and God and the way you treat other people. Maybe you see God in them. God is always there, and by helping those people you are helping Him.

I believe in being fair. I'm not always fair, I do things that are really *un*fair, but I still believe in being fair. I know life isn't fair but to me that's all the more reason that we have to be.

So do I follow these things?

Mostly I'd have to be honest and say no. I do a lot of thinking about them, but I do a lot more hiding than doing. However, yeah..I do know when I'm NOT being real. I know when I'm not being fair. I know that there's a standard and I know when I'm not sticking to it. Which by default means I know what it is, I guess.
  • Hello!

    I like things that are real.
    I like to be hugged.
    I believe in chivalry.

    *real hug*
    Allow me to get your chair.
    Some CHOKLIT?

    I like beautiful things.
    I believe in being fair.

    Would yew care fro a CHOKLIT sgulpture?
    One fro each of us?

    God is always there, and by helping... people you are helping Him.
    I rather appreciate Matthew 25:40.

    Seriously - I have enjoyed your new writings from the last few days (I hadn't realized that you had an LJ until you added me and Ala). I look forward to reading more. Take care!

    • Re: Hello!

      Bana, you are just so freaking cool. Thank you. You completely made my day.

      (real hug)
      • Re: Hello!

        Bana, you are just so freaking cool. Thank you. You completely made my day.
        Likewise! You're welcome, cherie - nice to see you posting more here
        and in TEUNC.

        (real hug)
        (real hug back)

        Hey, and keep praying for your friend, I know I will.
        Ask Denise and LC about lawyers in NY state.
        (BTW, are you involved in SCA in any way?)

        • Re: Hello!

          Thank you about Sir Koppel. I'll ask Denise about the New York lawyer. I honestly don't know how much I can do. As far as the SCA, I was involved for years, that's where I met my husband. I left it though, because it's a game that requires more money than I currently have, to play and have fun in. Also the heat is a real bear to deal with sometimes.

          We still work on the handicrafts, and I still talk to SCA folks, though. You involved?
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