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a passionate repentance

For Sam

For Sam

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may God stand
Stuff I think Sam should know. Stuff his mom's probably not going to teach him.

1.) Go ahead and ask someone why they're in a wheelchair, blind, deaf or otherwise handicapped. You're dying to, it shows on your face, and it's better than speculating loudly to the person next to you. Just be polite about it.

2.) Yes, handicapped people have sex. We have sex whenever we can get away with it, just like everybody else. And when we're not having sex we think about it *all the time.* Just like everybody else.

3.) If you pick your nose your mother will love you but the rest of us won't.

4.) Don't get a cockatiel.

5.) If you do get a cockatiel, don't teach it to whistle *anything*. Teach it to talk.

6.) Don't teach it to swear.

7.) If you teach it to swear, then you *have* to teach it to whistle to give it something *else* to do and you've just got to hope for the best when someone comes over.

8.) Giving peanut butter to the cat is *not* funny.

9.) Well, it's not funny while your mom is watching.

10.) Don't make fun of someone else's food choices. You'd be amazed at how long people's arms are, and how far a dessert fork can reach.

11.) Don't ask a girl to have sex with you, it's gauche.

12.) If you ask her and she says yes, you'd better mean it.

13.) Moderation in all things.

14.) Especially in moderation.

15.) If you don't vote you can't bitch.

16.) A non-stick surface is not eternal.

17.) Will fit all does not.

18.) Blowing in someone's ear will cause their hearing aid to whistle.

19.) This has not impressed anybody yet.

20.) Your elected officials are probably going to lie to you. This is just something it's best to accept as soon as possible.

21.) That doesn't make lying okay.

22.) And it's not an excuse to not say the Pledge.

23.) Standing up and with your hand over your heart.

24.) And your eyes OPEN.

25.) Because America isn't just about the people that got elected. Or what they did. Though those things are important. It's about your Grandpa, who went to Vietnam when he didn't want to go, and he got a Bronze Star.

26.)The vital role of clean underwear in a human being's existance simply cannot be underestimated.

27.) All the religions in the whole world boil down to a few really simple things: Don't treat people as you yourself don't want to be treated. Don't forget to look around and be grateful you're alive. Do something kind for other people as often as you can, because it's good for both of you. Approach most things with common sense, and patience, and pretty much everything will work out, except for some things, and those things are probably stuff you can't control anyway.

28.) That's not all but if I told you everything then you wouldn't buy the book and read it. And that's important.

29.) Learn three new somethings every day, and you'll never be boring.

30.) People need neighbors.
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