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a passionate repentance



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may God stand
I don't want to write about nothing but negative things. That's a bummer. And if anyone is reading this, I apologize.

I had a lot of nightmares last night. Being abducted by people who sold pigs for slaughter, being bitten by kids I was taking care of, seeing those kids being abused, people killing snakes and alligators because they might attack the kids (who were all in a ditch now.). Very wierd, very confusing. And it leads me to some uncomfortable thoughts.

I'm not really pushing myself, I've just gotten comfortable. Time is passing, and I'm not changing, even when I really need to change.

I don't think I feel powerful (hence the abduction dreams) or able to stop the forces in my life from picking me up and moving me where I don't want to go. But isn't the idea of controlling those forces illusory?

Part of me sees that as good sense, and part sees it as some kind of cop-out to avoid making choices and taking responsibility.

I have narrowed my focus to the point where my life is fairly comfortable. And yet, that isn't the point of being alive is it? If you aren't taking chances, you aren't doing enough. I can't hold on to what I espouse as real, whether it be emotional, physical or spiritual goals without pushing myself harder.

I wish I knew more of which direction I need to go in.

I can only take tiny hesitant steps in one direction or the next, and see what happens. Right now I'm going to try fasting, and praying and see what that does..if some sort of decision comes to me. A juice fast (thank you for the idea, Yoj.) I'll read, and work on things and maybe, some divine inspiration will hit.

I don't know why the only answers I can come up with right now are "I don't know" and "I wish I knew." It isn't very comforting.
  • I have narrowed my focus to the point where my life is fairly comfortable. And yet, that isn't the point of being alive is it?
    Isn't it? It seems to me you have enough 'parameters' of difficulty just maintaining the status quo. How do you manage to be mother, wife and deal with a wheelchair? I don't know that I could.
    Maybe your extra parameters are just sharing what you can do with others.

    Nightmares. Aren't they the buried fears we won't, can't or don't want to face in waking hours?
    I have nightmares about children out of my control. It is a waking fear also. I can deal with it awake, but not asleep.
  • Thank you! Your kindness puts me to shame. I admit that I actually have no kids (other than a house full of animals, most of them strays) and all my 'kids' are ideas, stories, and other such things.

    Thank you for reminding me that there is great depth and worth to be found where we are.
    • kids

      Ahhh. Now I understand why you had an attack of the guilts. You haven't got little people to continually interrupt any bright ideas you might have.
      The 'kids' you already have are enough to employ your 'spare' time surely. ;-)
      What sort of stories? I write little ones for school(just a couple of pages) that I can photocopy for them to use as a base for activities.
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