Koinonia (koinonia) wrote,


I don't want to write about nothing but negative things. That's a bummer. And if anyone is reading this, I apologize.

I had a lot of nightmares last night. Being abducted by people who sold pigs for slaughter, being bitten by kids I was taking care of, seeing those kids being abused, people killing snakes and alligators because they might attack the kids (who were all in a ditch now.). Very wierd, very confusing. And it leads me to some uncomfortable thoughts.

I'm not really pushing myself, I've just gotten comfortable. Time is passing, and I'm not changing, even when I really need to change.

I don't think I feel powerful (hence the abduction dreams) or able to stop the forces in my life from picking me up and moving me where I don't want to go. But isn't the idea of controlling those forces illusory?

Part of me sees that as good sense, and part sees it as some kind of cop-out to avoid making choices and taking responsibility.

I have narrowed my focus to the point where my life is fairly comfortable. And yet, that isn't the point of being alive is it? If you aren't taking chances, you aren't doing enough. I can't hold on to what I espouse as real, whether it be emotional, physical or spiritual goals without pushing myself harder.

I wish I knew more of which direction I need to go in.

I can only take tiny hesitant steps in one direction or the next, and see what happens. Right now I'm going to try fasting, and praying and see what that does..if some sort of decision comes to me. A juice fast (thank you for the idea, Yoj.) I'll read, and work on things and maybe, some divine inspiration will hit.

I don't know why the only answers I can come up with right now are "I don't know" and "I wish I knew." It isn't very comforting.
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