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a passionate repentance

December 16th, 2014

December 16th, 2014

So..our mattress shifts a little every time I get in and out of bed. Or whenever the husbnd gets in or out of bed. I have to get out of bed at the end of the bed, because I can hand onto the hwheelchair. Yeah, it's complicated. Cerebral Palsy is just weird all right? So the mattress was shifted too far foward, and voila. I couldn't pull the chair close enough to me to get to my feet. When I sat back down, I sat on the part of the mattress that was hanging over, and I couldn't get my feet under me. I couldn't scoot back. I couldn't reach anything. So I was stuck there, until my husband came home from work at five pm.

Talk about freaking BORING.

And the revelation that..no. I *can't* live alone. I can't take care of myself without fear of accident.

Shit.

I'm not scared, I'm *mad*

Mad at myself because somehow somewhere I must have screwed something up badly to get so used to this living with him. I need to be able to live by myself. I don't need to live by myself . I need to be ABLE to do so.

Okay, yeah, mad *and* scared.

Like Mr Bennett, though..this is my sowing what I've reaped. I ought to be scared and mad. It'll pass soon enough. Maybe I can actually work some changes out of it.

Crap, everything hurts *already*. I'd have thought it'd wait until the next morning out of respect.
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