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a passionate repentance

Hey, Jealousy..

Hey, Jealousy..

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may God stand
Yesterday a friend of mine introduced me to a website where terrifyingly intelligent women review books. The place where the Cassie Edwards brouhaha began.

This post isn't about that at all.

You see..on this website there was an advertisement for a book by a woman named S. Let's just leave it at that. S. Now, I know this person, in the way that one knows people on the internet, which is to say very well and not at all. And in the course of things..

Whatever. I don't like her.

Now..here's the deal. Not only do I not like her, which is something I should not do..but I am jealous that she's a published author. Which is pathetic really. My jealousy, not her being published. She worked for it, she earned it, she deserved it. I'm the one out of line and I know it.

I'm not having a party here. I don't like feeling this way. I don't want to feel this way. I have a WHOLE lot of more serious issues that deserve my attention, but it's easier for me to obsess about this than it is to think about the other things, because I can't control those other things.

I just wish I knew how not to feel this way. And how not to flip between feeling this way and feeling as if I've urinated my life away doing absolutely nothing.

How do you love one another when you don't like what that person's done?

I thought all this was over. I really don't want to deal with the idea that I haven't forgiven this person at all.

How long does it take to really really forgive?
  • Separating a person from that person's actions is never an easy thing to do, and quite frankly, most people do not manage to do it. How else do we have to decide about people but by what they do and what they say? And words are easy and often unreliable...actions generally tell a deeper truth about people, so, in my opinion, they are a very valid way to make up our minds about how we feel about others.

    And feeling things about others is something that everyone does. Perhaps perfect people can turn such feelings off, but few of use are perfect. We just do the best we can.

    Forgiveness is a tricky issue. Ideally, we are to forgive everyone for everything they do. Turn the other cheek and move on, right? This doesn't even require that the person doing something we are to forgive be sorry for what they have done, a major sticking point for most people, it seems to me.

    In reality, this is almost never something that we humans can achieve. Words of forgiveness flow like water from a spring, but they are often shown to be false by the actions of those spouting them. Many people will say, of course I forgive you, and then immediately turn their back and walk away as if you do not exist without ever making an effort to fulfill their words. Others will struggle for ages to say the words and make them a reality...and possibly still fall short.

    I guess what it comes down to is that we are who we are and we feel what we feel. How long does it take to really forgive? Maybe a short time and maybe never.
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