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a passionate repentance



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may God stand
FRESNO, Calif. (March 13) - Police officers responding to a child custody dispute said they arrived at a home to find nine bodies stacked and intertwined in a pile of clothes, 10 coffins and a 57-year-old man they believe is responsible for the slaughter.

The victims were seven children ranging in age from 1 to 8, a 20-year-old woman and a 17-year-old girl. All were thought to be the children of Marcus Wesson, who surrendered to police Friday after walking out of the house covered in what appeared to be blood.

Man, after yesterday this is just so sad.

Human beings are so ugly to each other. I don't know if it's just..despair, or something older and wierder and hardwired in. After so many people are born, X number will go completely apeshit and do terrible things to other people. Like finding that so many beans in the package are bad. Or are really stones and not beans at all.

There aren't any easy answers. I mean, nature/nurture, environmental stressors/brain chemistry, economic despair/political issues. I don't know. I don't understand. It makes me feel old and sad and just lost.

But I don't want to be one of those people who whines that things were better when THEY were a kid. They weren't. They were different, but they weren't better.

Sam is four.

What kind of a place will he grow up in? What stuff on the news will he get used to? Will he hear about killings like this and shrug and go back to his snacks? or will he feel old and sad and lost too?

When I was a little kid, I used to count on my fingers all the years to go to two thousand and one. I was going to be alive in two thousand and one. A whole new milennium. I wanted to ride on a starship, like the Enterprise. I wanted to be able to walk on the bottom of the ocean. I wanted to be able to walk through clouds, and float up in the sky, and never come down unless I wanted to.

I would tell myself "When I am forty I will not have to worry about being hungry or sick. I will be able to walk and to dance all I want to. I will roller skate. I will roller skate all the way to Greenland. (that was the farthest away point I could imagine. China, Japan, India and Antarctica were far away, but not so far as Greenland.)

I thought I'd be able to sleep-learn languages and wake up speaking Chinese. Or Samoan. Or French.

Stuff has changed. In ways I couldn't have predicted, ever, but in a lot of other ways it has remained the same. I don't have kids, as I thought I would..I can't roller skate to Greenland (yet) and the Enterprise is still not giving rides. But the Internet is here, and I can talk with equal ease to a Jedi Hobbit or a Croat-speaking (Is it Croatian?) Softrat, or a lellow Dragon, who might live in England.

I don't know. Maybe the future will be better and a lot worse than I think it is.

I hope I can teach Sam right.

I think I'm kind of glad I'm only his aunt, though.
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