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a passionate repentance

"`Zeal for Thy house has consumed me.' Do we ever think how great the…

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may God stand
"`Zeal for Thy house has consumed me.' Do we ever think how great the Lord's zeal and longing is for His house, that is our heart? Surely it is a zeal a myriad times more intense, a love infinitely more ardent than that which He showed for the cleansing of the Judaic Temple. `Behold,' He says, `I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him...'"

Archimandrite Ioannikios Kotsonis.

Thank you, Lord Jesus. Because I was a traitor, but You chose to give Yourself, Your precious, noble, and utterly *pure* Self for me. Never has so little been bought with so much.

I watched "Narnia." And I cried. Okay, yeah, I know, it's dumb to cry at movies, but in that moment when I knew that Aslan forgave Edmund..even when he KNEW what he had to do to pay that price..I was just gone. Because I am just as deep a traitor. From gluttony and lying to impatience and malice, I have so many sins, I would have done exactly what Edmund did in the same circumstances. I'd love to believe I was another Peter or another Lucy, but you know what? It's not so. I'm not a hero.

I spend a lot of time in fantasies, good and bad. All the things that might go wrong. All the things I wish would go right. All the times I imagine myself being really *great*. And you know what? Not only does it hurt me and color how I deal with the world..it doesn't accomplish anything. The battle to take back those thoughts, and to live right here and now, without worrying about being judged, or imagining myself doing something really heroic to stand out from the crowd..it's minute by minute. And I can fight for a while but I forget. Then I slide back, further than ever. I want to take refuge in Jesus, but I don't know how. How do you do that? What do you do? How does it help? Does anybody know? Because sometimes, I get really tired, and I never seem to gain any ground. I don't think I'm going to conquer all my sins. I don't have a bazillion lifetimes. But it would be nice to concentrate on other sins too.
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