"Just as the result of disobedience is sin, so the result of obedience is virtue. And just as disobedience leads to breaking the commandments and to separation from Him Who give them, so obedience leads to keeping the commandments and to union with Him Who gave them. Thus he who through obedience has kept the commandments has achieved righteousness and, moreover, he has not cut himself off from union in love with Him Who gave them; and the opposite is equally true."
St. Maximus the Confessor.
I have to confess, I'm struggling.
I have this resentment about my weight. I'm super duper sensitive about it. The priest at my church spoke to me about it, telling me how he lost weight too, and I'm sure he meant to be kind, but it really stung. Then his sermon on the Sunday of the Pharisee and the Publican was about weight too. How being fat is a choice. He even used one of the phrases that he used to me. Now before when he'd been talking to me, he'd been hearing my confession. So now I feel weird about it. I felt picked out. I already feel like I stand out because of the wheelchair, and hearing the sermon didn't help.
The church is spending biig bucks to put in a window. For the Sunday of Orthodoxy. But there're no ramps anywhere in the church. No grab bar in the bathroom. And I feel as if I'm cut off from a lot of the church.
You know what? I'm nurturing this resentment. This huge feeling of 'It's not fair'. Of entitlement. And I know *life* isn't fair. I know that resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other guy will die. I know that I don't have to like the priest. I don't have to agree with what the church is doing. I'm not going for them. I'm going to work on my salvation.
So why is this resentment and sense of entitlement so dang hard to get rid of? Why does it keep coming back? And how do I take steps to end it?
I wish that doing something like this were as easy as saying you were going to do it.
I wish I spent less time judging people, and a lot less time imagining how people are judging me.