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a passionate repentance

I have been searching all my life. And I thought for a while I'd…

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may God stand
I have been searching all my life.

And I thought for a while I'd found what I was searching for. There was so much freedom there. So little structure.

However with the lack of structure came a lack of substance. There's no pith to this, it's all hollow. Pretty, most assuredly pretty, and well intentioned. But there's no sense that anyone who has gone before has suffered and changed and *become*.

And then I came in contact with something new that was actually something old. A way I used to go. And I thought..no. I would never go that way again. But the more I learn about this old way the more unsettled I've become. The more I question where I am. My dreams are strange and complicated and confusing. My prayers and practices are whittled down to 'Please' and 'Thank you' and half the time, I don't even know who I'm talking to. Someone, somewhere. Only..when I ask them to talk to me, there's..

Silence.

I've asked for guidance. I want to do what is right. I want to find the truth. I believe in faith, but I also believe that there's a point of meeting where the soul recognizes it's own. I don't respect someone who drifts from thing to thing, never happy and never satisfied. And that's what I've become.

I should stop reading, I suppose, and just sit quietly and hope that the answer comes. However, I feel as if to stop reading is to stop acknowledging that there is truth out there..that it unsettles me and I want to hide from it.

I want to know who I am..what I am meant to be. This *can't* be all there is, is it?
  • "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow."

    Ronald E. Osborn
  • "Please" and "thank you" are very important parts of conversation with anyone; the great thinkers and philosophers define two types of prayer as petition and thanksgiving, so you are on the right track.
    I got into the habit many decades ago of just talking to God with no restraints on language or subject, or attitude, on the theory that if he is omniscient he knows anyway, and if he's all loving, he'll still love me. Besides, he's big enough and strong enough to handle whatever I throw at him.
    I still don't get easy to hear and understand answers (and always as for them), but I do know someone is listening. Doubt and questions are not bad, and I think they're encouraged.
  • My dearest Nikki,

    I have found that silence... is the language of God. I used to desire answers, and now... in the midst of so much noise and confusion, I feel that this silence is an immense comfort -a blessed refuge. A wordless embrace, an experience of trust. Prayer becomes the path to inner stillness. "Be still, and know that I am God."

    I am not sure that was helpful, but I hope that you will find peace.

    *robed embrace*

    You might enjoy "Beginning to pray" by Anthony Bloom.
    • The Imitation Of Christ

      My dear friend,
      I am truly at sixes and sevens, it seems. And the silence is a new experience. I have followed a non-Christian path for some time now, but found it increasingly hollow and lonely. I wanted to experience a true union with God, and there just *isn't* one in the belief system I belonged to.

      So, when I saw your reading list (I've never read your fanfiction though I am impressed with the chapter I read of your autobiography) I bought some of the books and began to read.

      "The Imitation of Christ" to be precise. "Beginning to Pray" is next on the list. And the more I've read of a Kempis..the more I've come to question very deeply if I'm in the right place, or doing what I really should be doing for God.

      It's a very uncomfortable place to be.

      I decided to return to the church, though leaving my current system of belief means breaking some very serious promises. It bothers me to do that. I've kept those promises when it seemed like it was not in my power to keep any others.

      And..explaining my choice to my pagan friends has not been easy. It's hard to fight the depression too. So..silence is hard. I want..miracles. Or at least some heavenly skywriting that says "You made the right choice."

      I don't have any real hope of that, though.

      I'll keep reading, and praying. And trying to learn how to be quiet enough to listen.

      Thank you for being a friend, and an unwitting catalyst on this path. When I read about your search, it was as if I'd heard some of my own story. May God go with you always.
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