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a passionate repentance

Reminders and mirrors.

Reminders and mirrors.

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may God stand
Every now and then I run into someone who reminds me of the person I used to be like. And I look at them and think "My God, was I really like *that*?"

The desireable answer a friend could give was "Of course not. You were nowhere near that bad." Unfortunately the embarrassing truth is that I was, in fact I was often a lot worse.

I have to work hard to remember that happiness is not a one-shot deal. That when things go away, other things show up. And that being flexible and open to those new things is the only way to stay sane. Or I'll spend all my time alternating between desperate fears of losing what I have or grieving for the things I lost.

It's really embarrassing to realize how much time I've spent clinging to something so hard that I squeezed the life right out of it. I put so much passion into one relationship that I neglected or ignored other relationships, to the point where I lived in a kind of isolation. And I was always terrified of losing that friendship. To the point that I pushed it away now and then just to save myself the hurt of losing it.

Embarrassing and not terribly nice. Also not terribly well balanced. I can't even claim it's the only time it happened. Just..wincing as I remember. Wincing, and hoping that maybe I can find my way around this somehow. Break the patterns, and save my own sanity this time.

Deep breath.

Nothing like a really big goal to make you feel small.
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